Why, When, and How Should I Leave a Church?

Disclaimer: This will be a longer blog as the nature of the question demands a longer answer. Some questions are too important to pass over quickly. Understanding the arguments set forth herein will depend upon the presupposition of the importance and imperative of local church membership. If you are not already convinced on the necessity of actually belonging to a local church body, then you should first consider the various arguments for actual membership.

Leaving a local church is a major life decision… at least it should be. According to Scripture, the church is a family, a household, and a body—each image communicating the overarching purpose of God for the unity of Christ’s beloved bride. In contemporary evangelical thought, belonging to a church is often viewed as a somewhat optional circumstance that each individual person may or may not do as they see fit and to whatever degree they desire and is therefore rather detached from their relationship with Jesus. But in a biblical worldview, the church is who we are as the redeemed and reconciled body of Christ such that one cannot be united to Christ and not united to His body.

Because it is evident from Scripture that believers are to have a covenantal relationship with each other in a local church for mutual encouragement and edification, the decision to leave a church should weigh heavily. After all, church membership and covenants are serious matters. But is this covenant unconditional? Are there good and right reasons to leave a local church? If so, what might those be? And what are the practical ways to go about leaving in cases where doing so is wise and necessary?

This blog will thus seek to answer three questions: why, when, and how should I leave a local church.

But first, let’s consider why you should generally stay with a church.

Reasons to Stay

To some, the question of whether or not it is okay or acceptable to leave a church may sound absurd. Certainly, to minds shaped by individualistic Western culture, the implication that I may not be free to do what I want to do is offensive. Therefore it is essential that we understand the importance of the local church before leaving a particular body. This blog post will assume that readers already have a firm understanding of ecclesiology and the importance and imperative of belonging to a particular church and serving and loving a particular people (1 Corinthians 12:12-16; Hebrews 10:23–25; Hebrews 13:17; Philippians 2:3–4; Ephesians 4:1–3; Colossians 3:12–15).

Although there is no biblical text that would suggest that leaving a church is necessarily sinful, there are a number of theological and biblical reasons that our default position should be to stay in most cases.

For example, consider the following:

1. In originally joining a church, you have covenanted (whether explicitly or implicitly, depending on the church’s membership process) with other members of a local church for your mutual encouragement and edification. While this covenant is not unconditional, there should be some defined condition which must be met in order for you to break the covenant.
2. Likewise, you have covenanted with elders (again explicitly or implicitly) to be under their care and accountable to them. Again, unless there is a clear and convincing reason to break this covenant, then you should be bound to your commitment to their care.
3. People in your existing church already know you and your gifts, struggles, and story (or at least they should if you have been faithfully pursuing the implications of membership).
4. The overwhelmingly clear biblical command is unity. Division is certainly appropriate in certain cases, but the default should be unity, forgiveness, reconciliation, harmony, etc.
5. The church body is dependent on your giving, serving, attending, encouraging, discipling, inviting, praying, and participating. When you leave, you thus burden the church and force it to make up for your absence.
6. Church membership is somewhat analogous to marriage. Let’s flesh this out in a bit more detail.

Membership as Analogous to Marriage

Membership is not the exact same thing as marriage. There are certainly aspects of each relationship that are not mirrored in the other. Nevertheless, an analogy exists between the two institutions. Here are a few arguments that point in this direction.

1. Both marriage and membership are covenantal in nature.
2. The family and the church are the two most foundational institutions that God has created for human flourishing.
3. The church is described in familial terms as the “family of God,” thus showing some degree of similarity between the biological and spiritual families.
4. Man and wife are joined into a one-flesh relationship while Paul describes the church as a single body composed of various members (Romans 12; 1 Corinthians 12; Ephesians 4).
5. In describing man’s headship over his wife, Paul uses the analogy of Christ’s headship over the church.

Therefore, on the basis of that analogy, as there are only a couple of biblically appropriate grounds for divorce (abandonment by an unbelieving spouse according to 1 Corinthians 7 and the ground of sexual immorality of Matthew 5 and 19), so there would seem to be a limited number of good and acceptable grounds for leaving a church. In particular, it seems as though there must be compelling and overwhelmingly clear reasons that should be obvious and objective. Let’s consider those reasons below, first by looking at a handful of bad reasons and then considering the few good reasons.

Reasons to Leave

Bad Reasons

There are good and righteous reasons to leave a church. In fact, there are some situations that would strongly call for doing so. There are also unwise and even sinful reasons for doing so. Some stay at a church they should have long left while others leave out of self-centered motivation. Neither is good or godly. That said, given the tendency of the human heart toward pride, presumption, and preference, the more common danger is probably that of leaving a church without sufficient grounds.

Unfortunately, few people ever really think, I’m leaving this church for reasons of personal preference or sinful desire. Most simply think, I feel led to make this change. But who or what is really leading if you are so led? Is it the Spirit or your own flesh? And how might you know which is which given that you should follow one and crucify the other?

Imagine going to a doctor and asking for a new kidney when your current kidneys are absolutely healthy. You have no evidence of diabetes or kidney failure or cancer or anything else necessitating a transplant, you simply desire a new kidney. The image is silly. Such is the silliness of leaving a healthy church without clear and compelling reasons grounded in a biblical worldview. If your church is diseased, then by all means, go elsewhere. But personal preference or subjective whims and feelings are hardly sufficient grounds. If you wouldn’t do that to your physical body, why would you ever consider doing it to your spiritual body? Therefore, our motivations for leaving are important.

In light of this, let’s examine some common reasons for leaving a church that are insufficient or improper motivations.

1. I feel like the Lord is leading me elsewhere.

Response: This is the granddaddy of all reasons because there seems to be no real discussion when the “God is leading me” card is pulled. Now, putting this in the “improper reasons” category is a bit of a misnomer. It is more of an insufficient reason than an improper reason. If the Lord were really leading you elsewhere, then you should obviously go. However, the key is that this is subjective. Feelings come and go and are not of ultimate authority. After all, what if you are feeling the flesh and not the Spirit? Therefore, simply feeling like the Lord is leading elsewhere is an insufficient motivation as we must assess and evaluate our feelings against the standard of God’s word. In other words, unless your feelings correspond to one of the righteous reasons listed below, then you should be very wary of your feelings. If Scripture implies that staying in a local church is generally better, then it should take something much more compelling than a mere feeling to do otherwise. If your feeling is actually of the Lord, then it should correspond to one of the righteous reasons discussed below.

2. I haven’t found the right place to serve or struggle to get connected.

Response: Talk to the elders and staff about where and how to serve and/or get connected. Proactively seek out relationships and service opportunities rather than simply relying upon formal ministries to provide them for you. Be, yourself, what you feel is lacking in the body and pray for grace to cultivate deep community. In other words, if the issue is that you haven’t found the right place to serve within your church, then keep looking. Perhaps you are not looking hard enough or aren’t looking in the right place or right way. Often when we can’t find a place to serve, it is only because we have preconceived notions of where and how we want to serve rather than asking what is most needed by the body.

3. The church is getting too big or too small.

Response: First, consider your own motivations for wanting a bigger or smaller church. If the church is growing while being faithful to Christ and His Word, then celebrate—don’t leave. If the church is shrinking while being faithful to God’s word, pray for sustaining grace and consider how you might seek to engage the community around you to invite the lost and spiritually hungry and to make disciples of your neighbors. The Lord is looking for us to attend to His word rather than carry a certain attendance. In other words, the church being too big or too small in and of itself is not a helpful gauge for whether you should leave. Unless the size of the church reflects unfaithfulness on the part of the church, then it should not be a motivating factor. If the size is related to unfaithfulness, then that should be reflected in one of the categories of righteous reasons discussed below.

4. The church is changing or you don’t understand the direction of the church.

Response: Consider why you may not like the changes and whether they are truly issues of biblical conviction or mere preference and recognize that change is often of God. Bear in mind that the church must change as it is a living organism. Each new member contributes new gifts and each new season brings with it new joys and sorrows. Talk to your elders and staff to help shepherd you through the motivations and biblical rationales behind any changes to make sure you fully understand the heart behind controversial decisions before you discount them. In other words, change in and of itself is not a good motivation for leaving. If the change that you dislike is rooted in unfaithfulness, then that should be evident in one of the categories of righteous reasons discussed below.

5. Someone offended you or you don’t like someone.

Response: Follow the commands of Scripture as they relate to being offended by others. Remember that “good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense” (Proverbs 19:11). Furthermore, Scripture commands you to forgive and lovingly seek reconciliation where there has been genuine transgression (Colossians 3:12-15). Go and talk to your brother in private and then escalate and involve others if necessary as Jesus commands in Matthew 18. In other words, for you to leave on the basis of offense is not only unwise; it may be a sign of a sinful passivity on your part whereby you are neglecting your responsibility to love others through exhortation and correction.

6. You like the worship or preaching or programs of another church better.

Response: I am sympathetic to this reason to some degree. Certainly if the worship at your existing church is actually unfaithful (singing heretical songs for instance) or the preaching or your church is unfaithful, then this would be compelling. In could be that your church is neglecting something necessary or promoting something unfaithful. However, when it comes to things like worship style (hymns vs. contemporary songs), there should be a lot of flexibility. After all, Paul commends singing “psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs” (Colossians 3:16), which suggests that any of the above can be appropriate. Where the desire and decision to leave is grounded in an actual objective deficiency in preaching, singing, or practice, that is compelling. But where such is merely preferential, that is not a cause to leave but rather an opportunity to submit your preferences to the greater good of the body and/or seek understanding from the pastors and/or staff as to why your church does what it does.

What do all of these reasons have in common? They are all motivated by an improper understanding of the mission and vision of the church and exalt the preferences of the individual over and above the work of the kingdom. There is nothing wrong with wanting to sing hymns or be around those of a similar life stage or be in a church that is closer to home or that has comfy chairs and good coffee. Such desires in and of themselves are relatively neutral. But when those desires lead one to neglect and forsake their covenantal community, that is concerning.

Those who desire to leave a church for reasons such as these should examine their hearts and motivations for evidence of preference and pride before moving on. At the very least, there should be a healthy dose of self-doubt. Furthermore, there should be adequate conversation with the elders of the church for their wisdom and counsel. In many cases the one leaving may find that they have misunderstood the mission and vision and might find joy in staying. In other cases the elders might be helped to see where they are in need of correction. Either the church as a whole, or the leaders of the church, or the particular member who desires to leave may be wrong, but only a humble and hopeful conversation will clarify which is actually correct.

Good Reasons

Having considered various improper reasons to leave a church, let’s consider what might be proper reasons to do so. Surprisingly, there are really only a few categories that could be considered good reasons to leave a church, though various examples would possibly fit into each category.

1. Logistical

Examples: This would include any of various providential reasons such as getting transferred to another city for work or developing some sort of physical impairment which would necessitate leaving and joining elsewhere. Even then, I think that more Christians would benefit from a cost/benefit analysis of taking that other job or moving when it necessitates leaving a healthy church. But, in the end, there are definitely times where logistical factors would provide sufficient grounds to leave a faithful church.

2. Missional

Examples: This would include sensing a clear call from the Lord to be a part of a church plant or moving overseas for missions or something like that not rooted in frustration with where you are, but driven by a passion and vision for the mission of making disciples of the lost and immature in a particular community. In other words, this category describes a calling “to” a particular place or a people more than a calling “away from” your current church. In cases of missional motivation, there should be a season of conversation with the elders about your desire to plant a church or move overseas or whatever it might be for the opportunity for them to help assess and prepare you to leave and bless you if/when you do. Notice that doesn’t just mean that you tell the elders what you plan to do, but rather that you seek their input and wisdom as a part of the process of making the decision. If your elders are not supportive of you leaving (and your elders aren’t otherwise unhealthy), then their support of your mission would seem to be indispensable. Throughout the New Testament, the clear pattern is for people to be sent out rather than simply deciding to go out on their own.

3. Theological

Examples: This would include any situation in which the church compromised on some aspect of biblical theology. False teaching, failing to preach the Word, failing to administer the ordinances, or failing to uphold the importance of discipleship and discipline would all be examples of this type of category. In such cases, there should be a desire for clarification to make sure that the alleged theological shortcoming is actual and not just misperception. After all, it may be that the church is correct whereas the individual misunderstands the issue. Even when there is an actual compromise on theology, the member has a responsibility to first call the elders of the church to repentance before leaving. A final consideration is that leaving for theological reasons is only good and righteous assuming that you are right in your thinking about those theological reasons. For example, assuming that credobaptism and Calvinism are actually correct, it wouldn’t be good and right to leave a Reformed Baptist church to join a paedobaptist or Arminian church and vice versa.

4. Moral

Examples: This would include any gross moral failure among leadership and/or a failure to apply corrective discipline in the life of the church for unrepentant sin. In such cases, members might have biblical freedom to leave on the basis of the church no longer taking sin seriously. As with situations of theological shortcoming, the member has a responsibility to seek clarity and call for correction and repentance before leaving.

Though these would be good reasons for leaving a church, it is interesting that even in these cases, there should always be quite a bit of conversation for the sake of clarity and correction. After all, the church in Corinth is a bit of a theological and moral mess and yet Paul never encourages the people to leave and start a new church. He is instead hopeful for change throughout his epistles to the body.

It would be all too easy to simply lay claim to one of these categories without actually doing the necessary work of searching your heart to see if that is really the root desire or proper response or without engaging the leadership of the church to help them see their error. The hope of such conversation is always to be motivated by a love for Christ and His body and the desire to see personal or corporate shortcomings amended for His glory and the good of the spiritual family.

In other words, there doesn’t seem to be a single instance in which it would be wise and righteous to leave a church without having conversations with the leadership of that church before making the final decision to leave. Even if you have good and compelling biblical reasons for leaving a church, if you do not address those with the leadership then you are walking in folly and perhaps sin by leaving without having a conversation. Even if your leadership isn’t trustworthy, that would still provide an opportunity for you to uphold your responsibility to lovingly engage and correct as Christ compels in passages such as Matthew 18:15-20.

In light of this, it seems as though anyone considering leaving a church should ask themselves at least the following questions to evaluate and assess their feelings of discomfort or a sense of God’s call elsewhere:

1. Why do I want to leave?
2. What precise biblical virtue corresponds to my feeling and how does leaving best pursue that good?
3. Are there contrary biblical vices that might be affecting my feelings?
4. Have I engaged the leadership of the church and given them adequate opportunity to respond to my concerns?
5. Have I made a decision to leave before really engaging other members and leaders and involving them in the decision-making process?
6. Do I have a legitimate and compelling logistical reason for leaving?
7. Do the elders of my church affirm and agree with my decision to leave as part of a missional sending?
8. Is my current church in gross theological error? Is so, what error? Have I had conversations to seek clarity on this?
9. Is my current church allowing egregious moral sin? If so, what sin? Have I had conversations to seek clarity on this?

Unless and until you have answered these questions sufficiently, it would be unwise if not sinful to leave your church.

When Should I Leave?

If your desire to leave isn’t explicitly tethered to one of the four categories discussed above (logistical, theological, missional, or moral), then rather than leave, you should stay and fight for unity and harmony while praying for a deeper vision and passion for your church. However, assuming that you feel as though your reasons for leaving fit within one of the four categories above, here are the questions to ask in order to know when to leave:

1. Have I asked others for counsel with a willingness to be corrected and to stay should I realize that my concerns are unfounded or that I am otherwise acting out of pride, presumption, or preference? Is there anything that someone might possibly say that would change your mind? If not, that would seem to be a symptom of improper motivations. Besides Scripture, the second most important way to glean the word of the Lord is through community (and not just your spouse or biological family). Unless or until you have wrestled with this in the context of community, you have not adequately assessed your feelings and should therefore lack confidence that you are walking in wisdom.

2. Have I appropriately addressed my concerns or sense of calling elsewhere with the leadership of the church? Again, there should be a healthy dose of humility and recognition of the possibility that your thinking and feelings are incorrect. God has appointed particular pastors in a particular body in order to help you process such things. Unless or until you have had such conversations with a humble and open heart, it is not time to leave the church.

3. Have I fulfilled all of my biblical obligations? For example, are there relationships that need to be reconciled? Is there a member or leader in need of rebuke or correction? If you have biblical responsibilities and obligations that you have not yet met, then it is not time to leave the church.

4. Have I fulfilled all of my commitments and responsibilities? This one can be a bit tricky depending on the context. For example, if there is a serious moral failure or serious theological error, then you are probably free from having to undertake this step. But in the case of missional or logistical reasons, it would seem wise to ask if you have made commitments to serve in some capacity for some period of time or to give a certain amount or to help with a ministry or project. At the very least, there should be thought given to whether or not there are any lingering obligations and if you have given adequate notice to the church of your decision to leave rather than just dropping the hammer overnight.  

How Should I Leave?

Assuming that you should leave (i.e., you have compelling logistical, theological, missional, or moral reasons to do so) and that it is the right time to leave, how should you go about doing so?

This too can be tricky because you don’t want to be divisive. In order to avoid the appearance of division, some think it best to simply slip out quietly without informing the elders or any others. While the desire for unity is commendable, this approach is not wise for a few reasons:

1. It doesn’t let the other members of the church know that they are no longer responsible for your discipleship, encouragement, and edification as a member of the church. Although many relationships will be maintained as you move, the membership bond and covenantal obligations you have toward each other are no longer binding and thus it is most wise and loving to let others know.
2. Leaving without informing anyone doesn’t let the elders know who they are accountable for shepherding. If your elders are faithful, they are praying and proactively seeking to love and serve you, but leaving without prior conversation disrespects and neglects their commitment to you and your commitment to them.
3. To leave without informing the church is unloving and unkind when it comes to areas where you were serving and giving. Biblically, churches are dependent on their members for ministering to the needs of the body, financial support, etc. To leave without having previous conversations puts the church in a bind without ever actually alerting the church to that upcoming burden.

Would you quit your job by simply not showing up? Hopefully not! Then how much less should you do that when leaving a church? Certainly your commitment to a particular people for your mutual encouragement and edification and the glory of God is at least as important as your commitment to an employer.

So what should you do?

Easy, talk to the elders. That’s it. They can then let you know if there are others (staff, teachers, group leaders, community group, etc.) that you should inform or they might do it for you, but regardless you have a responsibility to talk to the elders before leaving. Ideally, this should be a separate meeting than one in which you talk to the elders to help assess your desire to leave (again, you shouldn’t decide to leave before having an initial conversation). In addition, this discussion should be in person and not an email or text message. Having such a conversation is not only most loving, but also biblical. After all, if your reasons for leaving are theological or moral, then you have a biblical obligation to correct and rebuke the elders. And if your reasons are logistical or missional, then there is biblical warrant for the elders to bless you and send you out. Either way, a conversation is necessary and leaving without doing so is unwise at best and sinful at worst.  

Why Does it Matter?

A paper like this runs contrary to nearly everything our culture thinks and believes about the autonomous individual and the rather anemic view of the local church.

Trust your feelings. Do what seems right in your own eyes. Look out for number one. Follow your heart. Cling to your rights.

This is the message of the world, but it opposes the gospel of the kingdom and the voice of the Spirit speaking through the Scripture.

Our motivations matter and so do the decisions we make on the basis of those desires. Without appropriately considering these things, we are in danger of drifting into preference and pride. We are in danger of neglecting to meet together as some are in the habit of doing (Hebrews 10:25). If God is seeking to transform not only our decisions, but also our desires, then we must be willing to expose them to the light of His word and amend ourselves in light of what is revealed.

Membership in a local church is covenantal and thus carries certain responsibilities and obligations. It involves the death of self for the sake of the greater good. Most of the time, leaving a church is antithetical to the very meaning of membership as it merely evidences the exaltation of personal preference over the common good.

While there are definitely reasons to leave a local church, it is never a light or trivial thing to be done without much careful consideration and counsel from leaders and fellow brothers and sisters who are willing to lovingly enter with you into the labyrinths and depths of your heart and mind for your joy, the good of the church, and the glory of God.